Saturday, December 13, 2014

Conceal, don't feel, Don't let them know....

I've been away for a while...

Don't get me wrong, I've been about, in an nondescript sort of way.   But I've not been myself.

I have an underlying depression problem, and despite managing it very well for years.... I haven't had a day off my work with it for 10 years, I started to slip in September.  I told the Doctor I thought it was the stress of the Independence Referendum (Scotland) that did it.  He said, he thought that was the straw that broke the pony's back.

We tried different pills.  I was sick.

We tried more the same pills.    No change.

We tried new pills.  Yay.  I felt more calm the same day I started taking them, but it was about 10 days before I actually lifted my head from the desk and thought,"I'm back".  I could think, I wasn't panicking, thoughts were clear in my head.


I don't know if many of you suffer from depression, but it is a very hard thing to convey to someone when you are in a pit.  This time, for the very first time, I had cried in front of someone.  I had warned the owner of my company that I was struggling slightly and he told my line manager.  My line manager called me in and wanted to know what could be done to "fix me".

The frustration of that question just set me off.  Nothing can be "done".  I have a chemical imbalance. medication will correct it - and it was just a case of giving me time until "I" came back.

I've got used to the glances to see if I am "coping", and it's quite funny now I'm "back".  "I've had my breakdown, I'm okay now - stop looking at me like that".  

Mental illness is a problem.  People do struggle to understand it.  I think people are just relieved I'm back though.